Saturday, June 28, 2014

I believe.. help thou my unbelief

Yesterday, on June 27, 2014 I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I was prescribed medicine to treat the symptoms and was advised to find a counselor. I have been fighting this diagnosis all my life and, although I feel that I should be strong enough to overcome this, I also know that I have plenty to be depressed about. Last year, I started working hard toward recovery from the sexual abuse I was subjected to as a child. I learned much about myself but, while in the midst of that emotional stress, my father died on June 8, 2013. Although we did not have a good relationship and I didn't even know him as daddy until I was 13 years old, his death affected me more deeply than I ever expected. Shortly thereafter at the end of July, my 10 year old  son who I had homeschooled and who had been by my side since his birth, started public school in order to be able to pursue his dreams of NFL football. Not knowing what to do with myself without his daily presence, I enrolled myself in online college pursuing a Bachelor's degree in Psychology. I also started a new healthy lifestyle plan which included a strict low carb diet that allowed me to lose 40 pounds and gave me the energy to start a home exercise program. I was feeling better physically than I ever had. Unfortunately, all the stress of the year combined with financial difficulties led to some very serious marital issues which lasted all fall and winter. Finally, just when I thought I was getting myself together, my sister was murdered by her children's daddy, then he killed himself, leaving my niece and nephew orphaned on April 2, 2014. My husband approached me to do what we could for the kids and the court awarded the guardianship of the two of them to us on April 23, 2014. At the time, I was working at a job I loved and I continued working as long as possible. However, after school let out for the summer, I realized very quickly that dependable and affordable child care for 3 children was not going to be accessible and it seemed that our family would benefit more from my being at home to care for the children and be available when my husband needed assistance with his business. As much as I love my husband and all three of our children and feel very blessed to be able to stay home and take care of them, I struggle with not "going to work". It has been a huge adjustment for all of us. I know that God has a plan and a purpose for me and my family. I know that I am called according to His purpose. I know that He will provide exceeding abundantly more than I can ever ask or imagine. I also know that, like the man in Mark 9:17-27, my faith does not come from within. As much as I believe, I know my faith can be stronger but it is Christ alone who can give that increase. Please don't tell me to not be sad... please don't tell me to think on those things that are pure and lovely and of a good report... please don't ask me if I have unconfessed sin in my life... please don't tell me to consider it all joy... please don't tell me to just have faith... please don't ask me what's wrong or what's bothering me. Please don't judge me, I promise I'm beating myself up enough for both of us. Please don't tell me to count my blessings... I'm fully aware that I have MUCH to be thankful for but when I'm hurting so bad inside and out that it's all I can do to make myself get out of bed and it's all I can do to keep the tears from overflowing every second of every day, knowing that I shouldn't be feeling this way makes it hurt even worse. Please don't tell me to study more, pray more, do more, be more... I'm truly doing and being all I possibly can right now. Jesus alone can and will restore unto me the joy of my salvation when His good and perfect will is completed in this season of my life.


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