Showing posts with label all things are possible with God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label all things are possible with God. Show all posts

Monday, December 21, 2015

Baby Blessings and Struggles 2015

On January 1, 2015, we found out that, after 12 years, we were expecting a baby! Through trisomy testing, we found out on Feb. 23 that it was a girl. The entire pregnancy was perfectly normal with no surprises. On August 17, 2015, we welcomed our sweet baby girl into the world. Though she came via c-section due to prior cesarean delivery, she arrived perfectly healthy, weighing 7 lbs 15 oz.

While I did not even think about breastfeeding my first child when he was born 12 years ago, I had said many times in the years between that if I ever had another child, that's exactly what I would do if I could. While in the hospital with our beautiful jewel, Ruby Belle, I had trouble getting her to eat. She just seemed too sleepy to latch on and stay latched on good. My husband watched me struggle hour after hour trying to get her to eat. She would just barely latch and gently suck enough to put herself to sleep and, if I woke her up, she would just get mad and scream. I talked to the nurses about it and they said what I was describing was normal. One even said if she was hungry, she would latch on. I asked for a lactation consultant and was told that she would be there in two days. By the time she got there, I thought we were doing better and told her so. However, when we were getting ready to be released on the third day, the nursery tech started fussing at me saying that Ruby was hungry and that she had lost weight. I had just told my husband that morning that she looked smaller to me. I was terrified that they weren't going to let me take her home. Finally, the nursery nurse on duty that day came and helped me get her latched on. She ate good for the first time since she was born. They did let us go ahead and go home with strict orders to take her to her pediatrician the next day. She weighed 7 lb 3 oz. The next day, at the Dr office she had lost another 2 oz. I explained to the Dr my concerns and told her that I really thought we had it under control now since I had finally gotten some lactation help from the nursery nurse. She requested a follow up weight check for the next day. Ruby had lost another oz. Although the Dr recommended that I supplement with formula, I was determined that wasn't what she needed. That was on a Friday and she wanted to see Ruby back on Monday. If she was still continuing to lose, she wanted to do electrolyte testing. My maternal instinct said that she was fine, that the drugs in my and her system from surgery as well as poor latching were the problem in the beginning and we were over that hump. Well meaning people advised that I follow the Dr's advice and supplement or even trick her into starting to suck with a pacifier then switching her to the breast but I didn't want to do any of those things. I wanted to give our bodies a chance to fall into the natural rythm for which they were created. I hung in there all weekend and when we went to the Dr on Monday, Ruby had gained 3 oz! Dr asked if I supplemented and I told her no, she didn't need it. I was very proud of myself and in awe of this beautiful, natural process of continuing to nourish my baby through my own body though she was now outside of my womb!


Fast forward to December 4, 2015... Ruby is almost 4 months old, is still nursing, growing and has even started eating some baby cereal in addition to breastmilk. I felt really bad all day, achy all over and just kept getting worse. My left breast had been hurting for a few days and hubby had mentioned mastitis. I thought I may be getting ready to start my cycle but I looked up symptoms of mastitis just so I would know what I needed to be aware of. I finally felt so bad late that afternoon that I checked my temp and was running a fever. As it was a Friday, I called my ob/gyn and described my symptoms. He sent in an antibiotic prescription for me and hubby picked it up. I started feeling better the next day but I made sure to take the full 10 day course of meds. Just a few days after I finished, though, I felt it coming on again. Only this time, I could feel clogged milk ducts. Being a natural researcher, I found out everything I could about clogged milk ducts and home remedies for them. I applied warm compresses, lavender oil, vicks vapor rub, I massaged the breast from above the clog down towards the nipple, I took hot showers and let the water massage the breast, I nursed on that side first every time, and I pumped after every feeding to make sure my breasts were emptying. Again, hubby is watching me struggle hour after hour, day after day, and, in his concern, he starts telling me maybe I should give up breastfeeding. I told him that goes against everything I have read. I have to keep feeding/pumping or this clog will abscess and may require surgery. So, I stayed the course, and last night, while nursing our beautiful jewel at my unclogged breast, I looked at him with tears in my eyes and I said, "As difficult as it has been, breastfeeding has got to be the most satisfying thing a woman could ever do". There is no job, no amount of money, fame, or recognition that could make me feel any more amazing than I feel when I look at our growing baby girl, knowing that my body has provided for her every need. Just as with childbirth, the joy makes the pain worth bearing. 

Along with the breastfeeding struggles, we have also FINALLY overcome a round of colic. Trust me when I say this sweet little baby girl can turn into a wildcat in a split second! We are very happy that seems to be over! It's been a difficult season but we are looking forward to the next with anticipation of watching our beautiful jewel become who she was created to be. As tired as I am, grateful can not even begin to describe how I feel for the year we have had. Thank You, Lord, for Your blessings on me!



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Saturday, June 28, 2014

I believe.. help thou my unbelief




Yesterday, on June 27, 2014 I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I was prescribed medicine to treat the symptoms and was advised to find a counselor. I have been fighting this diagnosis all my life and, although I feel that I should be strong enough to overcome this, I also know that I have plenty to be depressed about. Last year, I started working hard toward recovery from the sexual abuse I was subjected to as a child. I learned much about myself but, while in the midst of that emotional stress, my father died on June 8, 2013. Although we did not have a good relationship and I didn't even know him as daddy until I was 13 years old, his death affected me more deeply than I ever expected. Shortly thereafter at the end of July, my 10 year old  son who I had homeschooled and who had been by my side since his birth, started public school in order to be able to pursue his dreams of NFL football. Not knowing what to do with myself without his daily presence, I enrolled myself in online college pursuing a Bachelor's degree in Psychology. I also started a new healthy lifestyle plan which included a strict low carb diet that allowed me to lose 40 pounds and gave me the energy to start a home exercise program. I was feeling better physically than I ever had. Unfortunately, all the stress of the year combined with financial difficulties led to some very serious marital issues which lasted all fall and winter. Finally, just when I thought I was getting myself together, my sister was murdered by her children's daddy, then he killed himself, leaving my niece and nephew orphaned on April 2, 2014. My husband approached me to do what we could for the kids and the court awarded the guardianship of the two of them to us on April 23, 2014. At the time, I was working at a job I loved and I continued working as long as possible. However, after school let out for the summer, I realized very quickly that dependable and affordable child care for 3 children was not going to be accessible and it seemed that our family would benefit more from my being at home to care for the children and be available when my husband needed assistance with his business. As much as I love my husband and all three of our children and feel very blessed to be able to stay home and take care of them, I struggle with not "going to work". It has been a huge adjustment for all of us. I know that God has a plan and a purpose for me and my family. I know that I am called according to His purpose. I know that He will provide exceeding abundantly more than I can ever ask or imagine. I also know that, like the man in Mark 9:17-27, my faith does not come from within. As much as I believe, I know my faith can be stronger but it is Christ alone who can give that increase. Please don't tell me to not be sad... please don't tell me to think on those things that are pure and lovely and of a good report... please don't ask me if I have unconfessed sin in my life... please don't tell me to consider it all joy... please don't tell me to just have faith... please don't ask me what's wrong or what's bothering me. Please don't judge me, I promise I'm beating myself up enough for both of us. Please don't tell me to count my blessings... I'm fully aware that I have MUCH to be thankful for but when I'm hurting so bad inside and out that it's all I can do to make myself get out of bed and it's all I can do to keep the tears from overflowing every second of every day, knowing that I shouldn't be feeling this way makes it hurt even worse. Please don't tell me to study more, pray more, do more, be more... I'm truly doing and being all I possibly can right now. Jesus alone can and will restore unto me the joy of my salvation when His good and perfect will is completed in this season of my life.





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Sunday, August 25, 2013

My Journey to More Than A Conqueror Pt. 1



I was born to a 14 year old girl who didn't know how to take care of herself, much less me and my younger brother. We were removed from her care and placed in state custody shortly after he was born. While in state custody, we lived primarily with different family members but also in two foster homes, one of which helped to build the foundation of my faith, the other tried to destroy it. 

We lived the longest with our grandmother, our mother's mother. Mamaw, as we called her, was really not able to care for children, either. She still liked to drink and dance and have men over while her boyfriend was at work. I remember one time, when I was about 6 years old, she told us to sit on the couch and she would be right back. It seemed like it was forever and we were getting hungry so I went to find her. I looked up the stairs and I saw a neighbor man on top of her and she was yelling. I thought he was killing her. I ran and got my brother and we took off running down the road to the neighbor's house to try and get some help. I don't remember much about what happened after that except my mamaw was okay when we got back and my Paw Gary, her boyfriend, sure was mad when he got home. 

Mamaw also had her mentally handicapped brother living with her. She took care of him and was the overseer for his disability check. He was a big, strong man and he had a bad temper. I remember one time, he got mad about something and he hit the door facing with his bare hand and split the door facing in half! He cooked for us alot and he started teaching me how to cook simple things. He also started teaching me other things. When I was standing at the stove one time and no one else was home, he came up behind me and held me where I couldn't get away. He ground himself on me for a few minutes, breathing really hard. Then, he suddenly got quiet and said "Don't tell anyone." This became pretty much a weekly activity and not just when no one was home. He would catch me in the bathroom with the door open and would come in and shut the door behind him, pushing me against the bathroom sink. He would do his deed and would tell me not to tell anyone, then leave. 

I also remember when we were living with Mamaw, I was 7-8 years old and my mom was staying there with us for a while. She brought a guy home from work one night who said he didn't have anywhere else to go. He was sleeping on the couch in the living room. My bedroom was right beside the living room. I woke up when he lit a cigarette and coughed. I went back to sleep only to wake up a little bit later with him by my bed. His head was laying on my stomach. I didn't know what was going on. I raised up and hugged him and he went back in the living room. A few minutes later, he brought me a bag of change and told me good night and he loved me. When I woke up the next morning, every one was very upset. Come to find out, he had tried to get in the bed with my mom, then my aunt, before he came to my bed. I realized that my panties were pulled down to my knees but still didn't know why. I know he didn't actually rape me but there was a hickey on my arm. He was gone. Apparently, he had taken off before everyone else got up. My Paw Gary went to try and find him but never did. 

Also, around this same time of my life, I remember we were able to have an overnight visit with our mom. I don't know who her boyfriend was at the time but I remember him tucking me in and I don't remember what he did but I remember feeling very strange about it. Then, my mom stuck her head in the door to tell me good night and I remember him acting really nervous. 

My heart aches for so many children living with the reality of abuse every day. I am sickened that I can not read the newspaper or watch the news without hearing of another baby who has been subjected to the evil lusts of other human beings. I have learned that the cycle of abuse is perpetuated by silence and I have determined to no longer be afraid but use my voice to speak out against crimes against children and call out the predators who call themselves "men"!  I am so thankful the Lord chose to break the chains with me! 


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Monday, November 17, 2008

God has an answer....

HANDY LITTLE CHART - GOD HAS A POSITIVE ANSWER:

You say: 'It's impossible'

God says: All things are possible
(Luke 18:27)

You say: 'I'm too tired'

God says: I will give you rest
(Matthew 11:28-30)

You say: 'Nobody really loves me'

God says: I love you
(John 3:1 6 & John 3:34 )

You say: 'I can't go on'

God says: My grace is sufficient
(II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)

You say: 'I can't figure things out'

God says: I will direct your steps
(Proverbs 3:5- 6)

You say: 'I can't do it'

God says: You can do all things
( Philippians 4:13)

You say: 'I'm not able'

God says: I am able
(II Corinthians 9:8)

You say: 'It's not worth it'

God says: It will be worth it
(Roman 8:28 )

You say: 'I can't forgive myself'

God says: I Forgive you
(I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)

You say: 'I can't manage'

God says: I will supply all your needs
(Philippians 4:19)

You say: 'I'm afraid'

God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear
(II Timothy 1:7)

You say: 'I'm always worried and frustrated'

God says: Cast all your cares on ME
(I Peter 5:7)

You say: 'I'm not smart enough'

God says: I give you wisdom
(I Corinthians 1:30)

You say: 'I feel all alone'

God says: I will never leave you or forsake you
(Hebrews 13:5)